Transitioning Whilst Self-discovering

Detaching yourself from theories ideals and beliefs you've learned in the past and are still being encouraged to follow today. These beliefs and ideals maybe outdated or just doesn't align with who you are right now.

It's been my experience that while growing up the thought

Hmmm ... how do I define myself ? 

Never came to mind. I didn't do a lot of thinking on the various components that makes me the being I then was. The herd mentality was in full swing; I aspired to be what others thought and said I should be, doing what they thought was for the best.

This began to change when I was around 17-18 after completing my C.X.C. examinations. I wanted out of the town I went to high school in. I wanted to be free of the expectations people had of me at the time. The only way I thought I could be free was to go where I thought people didn't know me; and so I thought, had no expectations of me. I, of course, found out that isn't how it works.

More recently, after some reflection I came to the realization that I no longer knew myself. Meaning the ideals and beliefs I once held as definitively true, I no longer thought to be so. In addition to this things I thought I would never do, I now could see myself possibly doing. The world was no longer just black and white, now included was a growing grey space. This space, I believe will increase the older I become.

It was after this reflection, I realised I was still living; or attempting to live the life others expected me to live. Trying to fit in the nice box and have what I call a ready made career and have that be it; just continue doing it till I die. Do something that fits in the box cause I can make some money doing that and I have job security. But that life sounds empty. It is also not as easy to obtain in this economic climate. That then means I would have to fight for that job; and if that is the case. Why not fight to do something I'm interested in?

On a side note I did in fact visit a church. I know it took me a good little while. This church however was very cult like.The "prophet" spoke about there not being a heaven or hell. Jesus' favourite colour being blue, but hating black and that all visions are visions from God.  Hmmm... since I have yet to see evidence of any of this in the Bible ... I'll call that visit a miss and keep looking.

I'm Walking on Water

The Lord said "take courage don't be afraid"

Peter then replied, "If it is you Lord tell me to come"

"Come" Jesus said  and Peter jumped out of the boat 

And BEGAN WALKING ON WATER!

but....

he noticed the wind, it was so strong 

and the waves were so big and wait he was walking on water .... Oh my Gosh!

"Jesus!" he cried out frightened "Save me!"

Jesus reached out his hand and helped him "Oh you of little faith" he said "why did you doubt?"

I paraphrased Mathew 14:22-33.

I'm at the stage in my Christian walk where I decided to give up every aspect of my life to Him, family, work, school, relationships, friendships, the works. This I've discovered is easier said than done. I wrote in a earlier posting about being confronted about the control I wanted to have over my life, plans and goals I've made on my own without involving God. 

Well now I'm working on that and I feel very much like Peter without solid ground. 

The goals, plans and the back up plans I had felt like "solid" ground, it gave me purpose, something to accomplish; without it I feel as though I'm pretty much floating.

This floating is a strange state of being for me.

Theories I was taught spoke of me needing to take control of my life; spoke of me controlling my destiny. You see I was told I needed to plan and have goals to accomplish. So now going against these theories feels very off, or wrong.

Thinking back on Peter, and how he must have felt in that instant on water. I'm sure he felt very wrong and off himself, defying the law of physics and all. I mean people don't just go to the beach and start walking on top of the water.  I'm sure Peter could not believe he was in fact walking on water. He must have thought to himself, but this is not how the world works.

Now, for Peter to walk to Jesus meant he had to go against the world's knowledge, expectations and way of life. In the same way that what I am aiming to do in my own life, goes against the world's ideas. What I realized is that I was analyzing this using the world principles and felt like I sounded like an idiot. Hence why I felt uncomfortable with my present situation. But when I analysed what I aiming to do with my life using God's principles; I concluded I'm right where I need to be, fulfilling the purpose of my life.  

Another aspect of Peters situation that I noted was his fear, he held himself back with it. I too have moments where I do this, like any other person would.  I get distracted and begin to look at those around me and what the're doing with their lives and compare myself to them. Then I get scared and begin to question what I'm doing.

You see it is in these moment both I and you need to guard our hearts and fill up on God. It's then we need to stay focused.
Dis is di reasoning....You See what me and God doing is what me and God doing. Auntie, cousin, friend, uncle and granny don't have nuh  business in it; it's a me and God thing.
That is what I need to learn I need to stay focused and go to God.

Jesus is telling me to come, the same thing he said to Peter and bwoi I aiming to stay focused stay on course so I don't sink. Now that going take some upkeep, daily upkeep at that. Me and God going to have to reason eveerrrryday, I'm going to have to dedicate time and sometimes times to him make sure me and him getting on well.


On another but related note
Been watching a lot of ... from the Elevation Church.  Here is a link to a service, or what I think it is a service.
Watch it man
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9ovgRV9br0&list=PLFrHDxoEf4t2gfcFbK_0W9SofU2kdtkMd&index=6

So the pastor spoke about a heap a things right, but he spoke of a few things that I can see and apply to my own life at this moment and I'd like to share some of them in this blog.
Later I'm going to see more things I am sure of it but this reach me now; maybe you can relate.

The pastor speaks of two concepts that got me thinking. The first is strength coming with stretch and change coming with a challenge or cost. He explains strength or change comes with you spiritually challenging yourself; stretching beyond what you thought was your limit. 

The second theory was the mind catching up with your new reality. In this instance he spoke of your mind adjusting to the new situation your are in being saved and strengthened by God. You need to think past your own limits and past situations and begin to understand you new situation. You through God are limitless and worries of your past or not the worries of today.

What is your crutch?

What is it that you looking back on? 

As I typed that Lots wife came to mind when she looked back and turned into salt. (Genesis 19:26)
She couldn't let go of how she lived the culture. God was moving her family forward and she looked back and poof she turn into a pillar of salt.

Hmm....  Heh see because I not goin to turn into nuh salt... a joke.
Because I want more than what I have now I want a richer life, spiritually that is. Because I want a limitless life; I going to have to move forward into this new life. Almost as if I'm in a new region with its own culture and I need to leave the old life and old culture behind to take up this new one.

The thing is I am a new creation and old things have past a way  (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Old ways of thinking, old habits, old friends need to go if they not helping me grow in God and that's just the reality of the situation.  So when I sit here thinking bout how people would see me that not important and what I thought I should do that also is not important because I'm not who I was anymore.

I don't need the counsel and thought process of the world, I need the counsel of God. He knows best, he knows me to the T. He made me and he knows what he wants me to be and where he wants me to go. It is his plans I'm fulfilling and its all to his glory; not to the glory of my friends who I love dearly ;and similarly not to the glory of my family, who means me well. The thing is they are human and are limited in their capacities unlike God.

So hear what let me follow God with his unlimited love, knowledge and power. Thing is my mind just catching up and understanding the situation and I learning to not limit my self with my sight or societies thought and expectations. My mind adjusting little by little as pastor Furtick said I stretching man I'm strengthening, changing and it come at a cost letting go how I once lived and what I thought I knew.


Man dis exciting!!!!!......

He who trusts himself is a fool but he who walks in wisdom will be kept safe 
Proverbs 18:26

lol ya so a it dat.... Yup that's it thanks for reading :)

Judged.. Criticzed.. I dont control my life... Preparation

*Bits of Jamaican patois and slang sprinkled below 


I know I said I was going to speak about my lacking church attendance but hear what. I haven't been yet, why? I currently have some pink and black faux locs in and I really don't feel like being judged and criticized by the majority of the church in a place of fellowship for a hair colour. Me feeling  criticized and  judged would kinda defeat the fellowship aspect, I think.You see I'm from a some what rural area of Jamaica and based on my past visits to  a few churches in the area, I know I will be whispered about and gawked at. Cyaan bodda with dat. sigh

Alright so I'm gonna go a bit into the story of how I accepted Jesus, nothing spectacular but feel like this should be mentioned since it is a blog about my Christian life. Became a Christian when I was a a cynical 16 year old. As far as I was concerned God didn't exist and everyone was crazy but there was a Christian camp and it was a slow summer so I went to a church camp. One day one of the counselors said hey if you not a Christian you can just accept God and see what happen if you not partying, no difference if you lived a pretty chilled life why not just accept Jesus and see.  I am from a very quiet slow paced area so I was living a very very chilled life. In addition to that I was and still am sort of into social experiments and said you know what let me just try this out and see what all this madness is about. I did they had a worship session and me get bax ova. I mean I was on my knees bawling and a bag a pins and needles, prickly feeling going up my arms and legs I thought it was strange. sooo yeah that was the experience.

Looking back though I realise now I had no idea what I did that day, the are results are far reaching. You know God going to have a hand in every aspect of your life and you think yeah yeah sure  but when you see it happen its an entirely different thing.

 From that day my life twist every which way all the plans I had for my life what I going to study and life after school got SMASHED.
I thought I was going to leave school with a geography degree heh. Second year I failed EVERYTHING, geo and non geo related courses, I was wreck. For someone who prided herself in never having to be held back and passing through the various phases of school fairly easily I was distraught. WHO COULDA FEEL DUNCA DAN ME. *(no one felt stupider than I did) But it taught me something I am not in control of my life so I had to re-calibrate and do something else. To be honest I'm not sure if it was God wanted me to do but, hey he did get me some heap a A *(good grades). Cuz trust me heh it wasn't me, I not even sure how I get some of them A. So in my second year I learnt I was not in control of my life.  If it isn't in his will, I learnt then it wasn't going to happen.

I feel as though now I'm being reminded of this again. I mean cuz if I'm being real I wasn't focused on him enuh. I was thinking how I need a job, I look like a cruff have me degree and just deh deh, no bog job. I was thinking about how I restless, I need to be on the move. But God saying you need to move nuh, try move without me...  it not happening, you going do pair crap. *( just waste your time)
Mhm so to save myself the time and heartache I goin focus on God.

Im being prepared to do something, I not sure what but I feel like its service driven.

Feel like my life is God's chess board and him playing him game and moving all the pieces in the right place, in the right time. His time.



On a side note though. This verse, Gods word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path making a lot a sense at the moment been getting into my bible and daily time with God .... again.  It coming along bit by bit.

Yeah so a it dat,* (Yeah so that's it) 

Thanks for reading :)

Awesomeness just beyond my finger tips

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Truthfully nothing big happened... yet. So this isn't about a grand event in my life, nope just some musings. Let me know if you can relate comment section below. Tell me I'm not alone!. Also leave a comment about ya general thoughts about life... why not?

Ever felt like there is so much more to life and it's all just beyond your finger tips. It is so close, you can see it, you can taste it; but no matter what you do you cant seem to just get pass the couple millimeters to get to it.  Its annoying right, a part of you are frustrated the other is dying of anticipation.

 Well that's at least how I'm feeling *shrug*

Here are some of my reasonings about the situation:

• What is that something/ awesomeness?  I'm not sure

• How to get to it? don't know

• Maybe what I'm feeling is the possible closer relationship I can have with God. I mean, if he is all powerful there would be a number of awesome possibilities there. Hmmmm...

• Is it all in my head?

Soooo, can you relate?

If you do, you might now be wondering as I am/was. WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT IT?

Hmmm... You know I don't even know. A joke *heh heh*.

Yeah so for real; I don't know for sure, but few possible ideas came to mind.

Alright yeah, as Christians, for those who are Christians guess the answer is simple we just chill and relish in the knowledge that all things are working for your good (Romans 8:28). 

Another verse that comforted me is the one that said he has great plans for me, plans to make me prosper, not harm you, to give you hope and a future. I'm paraphrasing of course (Jeremiah 29:11). Nice little reminder, I may be DYING for things to speed up and move along but I shouldn't fret God plan out everything so it not happening haphazardly or is a by chance thing.

*chuh* (man) I just need to know everything happens in its own time, don't/(right)?  That's what I think we need to do. What do you think?

In terms of my overall Christian Journey having an issue with church attendance though, need to reason with you bout dat, in do next post

( Having an issue with church attendance though need to speak/type/share that with you in the next post)

Ya suh it dat, Thanks for reading :)

[yup,that's all thanks for reading :) ]

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Quarter Century Crisis: What am I doing with my life???

Quarter century crisis, I have seen this term around a lot recently. It has been defined as a period of life where one has feelings of doubt and are confused about the direction their life is heading in. One is then seeking out their path in life, I guess you could say. They are essentially confused wonderers.

Here are some signs you may be suffering from the century life crisis yourself in accordance by my own feelings at the moment

1.   Conflicted emotions wanting to find a job and are actively looking for one but is relieved to not be wasting your time doing something you don’t want to do. if you are working you feel as though you slowly dying inside... wasting your life and away.
2.      Frustration. From the age of two to earlier twenties.  I knew exactly what to do and what was coming next, I had a routine pass present exams and prepare for the set of exams  in the upcoming year. However now that isn't the case. Now  you are trying to adjust wondering what you want to do maybe even deciding to not do what ever it is you studied.
3.   Fear of the unknown; this is tied with the point above. I am excited but more so terrified about the endless possibilities. Anything can happen you see and that's a problem in my head. Its unknown and of good could happen but so can a lot of bad.

I most definitely fit in this wonderer category. A year ago I completed a degree in philosophy. Yup, you read correctly philosophy and now I am trying to discover exactly what it is I would like to do with my life. Now I know a lot of people reading this are thinking, why did she study philosophy?  Well I just did what I liked and am going to continue doing that … once I discover what exactly that is … at this point.

There is also the of issue my luke warm or more like cold Christian life that NEEDS to be addressed. Yep I lack discipline I want to be doing everything, well almost everything because it's there to be done, live a fulfilled life.  The reality of the situation is however that I need to work on my relationship with God, put in time  and I can't do almost everything if I intend to do that.... sigh... shrug. 

Yup that's what I'll be doing here. Thanks for reading.

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